


The tranquility of chickens

by Clocketpatch



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Banter, Driving Lessons, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-12
Updated: 2010-09-12
Packaged: 2017-12-28 19:09:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clocketpatch/pseuds/Clocketpatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five gives a lesson on how to fly the TARDIS; much bickering ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The tranquility of chickens

**Author's Note:**

> Written for pinksonia on livejournal in response to her donation during the gulf_aid_now fan auction.

  
A small white room, a hexagonal (and also white) console covered in buttons, a very purple Australian flight attendant:

The purple flight attendant had her hands on the white console. Her expression was one of intense concentration as she read the cryptic instructions on the data base read out. She was almost certain she had it right this time. She flipped the levers as hard as she could.

The small white room turned upside down.

The flight attendant lurched forward, clinging to the console. The room was definitely upside down, she could _feel_ gravity pulling her towards the ceiling. Her lavender flight attendant cap fell off, only to hover in mid-air a few feet below (above?) her head. But, for some reason, she wasn't falling.

"Teeeegan!" someone shouted.

A man, mostly in beige with a hint of celery, ran into the room. Tegan stared at him, running towards her, wondering how he wasn't falling off into mid-air like her cap. Her feet seemed safely stuck down, but she had the feeling that, were she to lift them for any reason (example: running), she'd be stuck floating.

"What are you doing?" the man snapped, and it was a snap, even if his voice was very calm. He pushed her hands off of the white console and pressed a few buttons, flipped a few switches, and then the room swung back around. Tegan's hat dropped awkwardly back on to her close-cropped hair, only to slide off and land by her foot.

"I feel sick," said Tegan.

"You could have got us all killed," said the Doctor, very calmly.

"I was just trying to get home," said Tegan, very calmly.

"You lack the proper skills or training to pilot the TARDIS."

"Well, it's not like I could be a worse driver than you."

They both glared at each other.

"If it weren't for the anti-gravitational safety features kicking in we could all very well have ended up with broken necks," the Doctor said. "You aren't the only person on this ship Tegan, and you do not have the right to risk the lives of your fellow passengers in such a reckless manner."

"Says the pot!"

"Tegan, I've told you before that I —"

If asked at this point, the Doctor would have claimed that he was still, most definitely, very calm — even if his voice had started to go a bit high and squeaky towards the end of sentences, and even if his breathing had become a bit, well, noticeable. Given the sorts of activities which the Doctor regularly engaged in without breaking a sweat, it is highly probably that he really was still very calm. A bit pressed maybe, but definitely calm.

Whether or not he would have stayed that calm much longer is anyone's guess, but luckily the moment was broken by the entrance of another young woman wearing purple:

"What's going on?" asked Nyssa of Traken, stepping into the console room. "I was sleeping and I sensed a localized gravity distortion?"

Nyssa didn't look like she had just been rudely roused from bed by a localized gravity distortion. The velvet pants-suit she was wearing (it was a burgundy sort of purple) was immaculate and unwrinkled, there were no pillow lines on her face; she didn't even have bed head.

"It's nothing Nyssa," said the Doctor, waving a dismissive hand. "Tegan and I have taken care of it, haven't we?"

"Hrmp," said Tegan.

"Nyssa, why don't you go back to bed?" the Doctor said. And then, without switching tone or dipping to sarcasm: "Tegan, why don't you join her?"

"You aren't sending me off to bed like a two year old," said Tegan, crossing her arms. A moment later, her eyebrows raised in horror. "Are you implying that me and Nyssa- "

Things were all set to devolve from very calm again when yet another fortunate intrusion intervened. The definition of fortunate being up for debate in this case.

"What's going on?" asked Adric. He was plastered with what appeared to be the remains of a spaghetti dinner, a club sandwich, some pudding, and several eggs.

"What happened to you?" asked Tegan, getting caught between laughter and anger. The result was a sort of half-stifled snort.

"I was in the kitchen!"

"Of course you were. You're always in the kitchen," said Tegan.

"Then the room flipped around!"

"It was a localized gravity distortion," said Nyssa.

"Yes, I _know_ that Nyssa. I'm not stupid you know."

The Doctor coughed loudly.

"Ahem, like I was telling Nyssa, Tegan and I have resolved the issue and —"

"No, we have _not_ resolved the issue because we're still standing here talking. If we'd resolved the issue I'd be at Heathrow boarding a plane and starting my job."

"Yes, Tegan, give me time. I promise that I'll get you there eventually."

"I want you to teach me how to fly this wheezing space junk bin. Then I'll taken _myself_ back to Heathrow, thank you very much, I don't trust you."

"Tegan, the Doctor is many things, but he is not untrustworthy," said Nyssa.

"He's not a very good driver either," said Tegan.

No one disputed this.

"Nyssa," the Doctor said, trying to regain control of the situation, "you can go back to sleep if you like. Adric, go get washed up, you know where the laundry is if you need it. Tegan, I will give you some basic instruction if it will make you stop nagging, but understand that you will not be able to fly the TARDIS. At the most I can teach you how to make an emergency landing or take-off if I am somehow incapacitated."

He paused, waiting for the very calm to come back.

He waited a bit longer.

A bit longer.

"Adric, Nyssa, aren't you going?"

"No, I want to watch," said Adric.

"Gawk is more like," said Tegan.

"Maybe I could give you some advice?" said Adric in a tone that said he really, really wanted to give advice, especially if said advice made him look smarter than the advisee.

"Hrmph," said Tegan.

"Nyssa?" asked the Doctor. His voice had gone slightly squeaky again, but he was doing an admirable job at hiding it.

"I'm awake already Doctor, besides, this would be instructional for all of us I think."

"It'll be interesting if nothing else," said Tegan.

"Yes, good, well, very well then. Lesson one: insulting a TARDIS by calling her a wheezing outer space junk bin is not at all conducive to convincing her to go where you want."

"Then, educate us Doctor, what would be conducive to convincing your ship that Heathrow is lovely this time of year?"

"Ah, well. Not name calling generally, or hitting, though there have been days when she…" the Doctor trailed off at the looks he was getting from his shipmates: Nyssa was completely blank, Tegan was utterly horrified, and Adric looked confused.

"…but, generally," the Doctor continued, rather quickly, "it's good to be polite, to be gentle, considerate if you will. I find it helps if you keep a clear mental picture of your co-ordinates and a positive attitude."

"I've got a clear mental picture alright," said Tegan, "and I can show you a positive attitude."

"I'll bet you can," the Doctor muttered.

"Well," said Adric, rather loudly, "I think it's silly to assign anthromorphic properties to machines."

"The TARDIS isn't a machine," said the Doctor. "She's very much alive, in her way, and given how long you've been staying aboard her Adric I'm quite surprised that you haven't realized that yet."

Adric's mouth opened like he was just about to say that he _had_ in fact known that all along, of course he did, he just meant machines _in general_. Then he saw Tegan's glare and shut his mouth.

"Organic-mechanic constructs!" Nyssa said quietly. "I understand. On Traken there were rumours about the Timeships of Gallifrey, but most of them were quite horrible."

"And most of them were quite true, unfortunately," said the Doctor.

"She's been talking to me in my sleep," Nyssa admitted. "She seems quite nice."

"And she's probably quite glad for some female telepathic company since Romana's left," the Doctor said. "They were quite fond of each other you know…"

"Ahem," said Tegan.

"You were teaching us how to fly the TARDIS?" said Adric.

"Right then," said the Doctor, shaking his head a bit. "Basic flying is quite easy. She mostly minds herself in the vortex. However, if she hits any bumps it's best to hit the stabilizers as soon as possible —"

He indicated the stabilizers with a flick of his wrist. Tegan pushed the button. The room spun around several times making everyone fairly dizzy.

"I said _if_ she hits any bumps Tegan," said the Doctor. "Pressing the stabilizers in the middle of a smooth flight is like applying your parking brakes in the middle of an expressway."

"How was I to know that?' asked Tegan.

"Maybe if you waited for instruction before pushing buttons," the Doctor said.

"Hrmp," said Tegan.

She waited through the Doctor's instructions on how to conduct an emergency materialization sequence and then followed his words to the letter. The console room seemed to wavered and distort. For a brief moment, Tegan had the distinct feeling that she had shrunk several inches in height. Then the Doctor shouted something and pressed a button. There was a muffled popping noise and everything returned to normal.

"Don't _ever_ pull that lever again Tegan," the Doctor said. "Do you realise what you could have done?"

"You told me to pull that lever!"

"I said that you were, under no circumstances, to ever touch the dimensional stability controls!"

"You said that bright yellow button was the dimensional stability controls!"

"No, that's the self-destruct button."

"Why do you even have a self-destruct button? The way we all get tossed around in this room half the time —"

"That's enough Tegan."

"I'd say that this demonstrates quite well why girls shouldn't be allowed to drive," said Adric, who felt that he was being ignored. "You shouldn't be sad Tegan. It's not your fault you aren't any good at it. It's just genetics."

"That's scientifically improbable," said Nyssa, just in time. Tegan looked about ready to start throttling Adric. The Doctor looked like he was about to start bashing his head off of the nearest hard, flat surface. "I am not expert on the Terran genome, but I believe that the males and female of the species have nearly identical navigational intelligence with any discrepancies being culturally selected rather than genetic variables. Is it different on Alzarius Adric?"

"It's the same everywhere," said Tegan.

"…and this is the fast-return switch," said the Doctor.

No response.

No _appropriate_ response.

It was very, exceedingly calm.

The Doctor watched Adric respond to Nyssa; watched Tegan throw her hat at Adric; watched the ensuing chaos; and decided that the best course of action would be to leave the console room while he still had all of his limbs in tact.

"Sorry old girl," he whispered, and then retreated as fast as he could.

 

 

And they all lived _quite_ happily ever after.

 

_fin_

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
This story archived at <http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=38639>


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